march 2009

As I have said in the video, this state, if you can call it a state, seems impossible to describe as anything said or written about it does not make sense, is filled with contradictions and cannot be explained in terms of experience and in truth nothing is gained or lost. But let me try anyway. This state (without anybody being in it) which I like to call silence or truth came gradually but in quantum steps and a couple of month before my coming to India and meeting Bhagavan this state started to stabilize itself but also expanding over time. The funny thing was that my initial plan for going to India was to join level 3 as nobody knew much about it in the Netherlands and the only info about it was to come to India and have a personal darshan with Bhagavan. Well plans changed so I went to Nemam, visited Arunachula and dropped by sadhu Krishnaveni Amma in Papanasam who gracefully enough invited me to stay with her for a couple of days and then I went back to join the repeater level 2 at golden city. While in the middle of this course, our group had the chance to meet Bhagavan as a group and I was fortunate enough to ask him a question as well where instead of answering the question, Bhagavan acknowledged my state of awareness. To say the least, it was yet another amazing journey in south India.

So to come back to your question, what is the state of awareness at this moment? Well I belief the best way to explain this is by exemplifying what has no meaning anymore for me. To sum it up:

- Total surrender (in other words there is nothing that can surrender)
- i sense (its gone)
- me - my - self - I am - I exist - be etc. sense (also gone)
- i am alive or dead (no difference and has no more meaning)
- Difference of awareness in waking versus dreaming state (even though there is still a recognition of difference in reality, awareness of it has no difference)
- Desire (there is no tendency towards or feeling of desire, everything just happens)
- Emotions (even though last week I found an emotion that felt personal, but with the recognition of its existence it blew into nonpersonal and non-existence, just like a bird flying of rain falling – a happening without the heaviness or personal touch)
- invoking the presence (there is nothing left that can invoke anything, there is only presence)
- Personal will (there is nothing that wants anything or not. It is all peacefully happening)
- etc.

So what does still have a meaning but is slowly burning away:

- The belief that there is life and awareness (In deep silence / meditation there remains a sense of something that is alive and aware of it and when reflecting back feels like a very thin vapour around the edge of the body and hence separate and untrue)
- The belief that reality is (the belief that life is happening in a reality even though no identification happens in it, is still a belief, and something is believing hence also untrue)
- The belief that something can progress or regress (something is still realizing, hence must also be a reflection and untrue)
- The belief that there is still a small part of the mind that can be steered to function in life [although this one is falling apart as well as thinking and talking happen more often without anything steering or controlling it, it just happens inside the silence].

- Things still happening inside “me” such as tangible (something you can feel) forms inside the mind (such as the feeling life and awareness) which are located outside the body and showing up only after extended periods of pure silence or upon waking of the body. This form when it pops up in the silence reflects an i am feeling back in the silence but when the recognition of it is there, a burning sense happens around the body with the heart at its focal centre that burns this i am layer away. It feels just like the statue of the dancing shiva with that big circle of flames around him. These flames when touched by the silence changes into bliss and explode into nothingness and as I have said in the video, when this silence is combined with diksha, it is like firework.
Also this sense of silence which keeps on expanding seems to be directly related to this burning of mental form around the body. When there is no form at all, just silence, it spreads into all directions and nothing remains, but when there is a form showing up in the mind, the silence suddenly has a dimension and feels like the dancing shiva. Often these mental forms are not from this body – mind complex and are from somebody else, but because there is no sense of I am, this form of somebody else is felt as I am reflecting back into the silence and when the silence touches this I am layer it dissolves and is often noticed by that person. Some years ago I found out this was called satsang and it seems to help others. Now it is changing slowly into just presence / silence and whatever comes near that presence / silence that has form dissolves without a “me” being aware of it or doing anything.

One stable datum that can be given is the fact that there is always a feeling of ease with anything that happens in life, a feeling of being home comfortably in all situations of life, may it be sex related, emotion related [such as fear or anger] or control related or anything else related.